Think Before You Shrink

Ladies - A word of advice I firmly stand-by and share with my nearest and dearest girls...

Think before you wear tights on a date.

I am ALL for wearing skirts on dates. They are fun, flirty, feminine and usually quite comfortable.

I am also all about tights, for several reasons really:

- They suck us in and smooth us out
- They keep legs warm in the winter
- They are another great accessory we get to play with

However, if there is any chance you will be ending the evening with something more than a vertical kiss... think long and hard about what that could lead to.

Tights might look pretty darn cute under a skirt but I don't know many people that look good in tights alone (Lindsey Lohan... if you are reading this that goes for you too!!) Most girls know the smoothing is an illusion. A displacement of pudge. Tights (and Spanxx for that matter) are miracle makers not magic. Nothing actually disappears.

See where I'm going with this....

Skirt comes off and the extra few cookies you ate at the holiday party are not so cleverly hidden. They are now hanging out just between your bra and the band of your tights. Which, if you're petite like me, are most likely jacked up high enough to be not only unflattering, but also reminiscent of the way your first grade teacher wore her pants.

So now you've lured your hot date home, enticed him enough to create "interest" and now you look like the woman who taught him to read and wash his hands after using the bathroom. I'm pretty sure you'll be kissing him goodbye instead of good morning.

It's a crash not a crush

Friday night. January. At home. On my couch. ALONE. I don’t know if I am more excited by the new episode of Friday Night Lights (darn that writers strike) or my first two movies from my new Netflix subscription – The Break-Up and Notes on A Scandal.

You see… I am hibernating. I am taking a break from life. Specifically my social life and any chance I could have at interacting with the opposite sex. If it was not completely freakish I would hang a sign above my head that says… Keep Out.

Over the past few weeks I’ve realized I don’t have crushes. I crash. Really crash and burn is more like it. And this recent burn was just the compounding incident that sent me over the edge.

A few weeks ago when I realized I was an accidental dirty mistress thanks to McDreamy’s lying, cheating ways I swore to my mom that I was done. Her hopes of ever having grandchildren were probably pretty close to toppling after that incident. But no… That very weekend I met someone. He was a friend of a friend. Highly recommended. Handsome, fun, smart, blah, blah, blah. A few great dates. Cute texts (ugh… I hate texts and I was still excited by these!). I hadn’t felt this hopeful since Brittney’s second attempt at rehab. Finally, I had met someone who had promise. There were no warning signs (namely no girlfriend, stalker tendencies, or abnormal attachment to his boys) he followed through when he said he’d call, he wanted to meet my dog (sigh)… Needless to say, I was crashing. Hard.

I think crush implies a slow process. Have you ever tried to crush a can? It takes some effort and is deliberate. People usually plan on crushing something. When you crush you make room for something else. How often do you hear of people being involved in crushing incidents?

A crash is quick, unexpected and unplanned. It takes your breath away and scares you a little. Your adrenaline flows and the moment or moments are relived over and over. Time is spent trying to figure out at what moment it suddenly happened. Crashes are dangerous. And my love life is never safe from the disaster that is a crash.

You know where this is going right? I crashed and now I’m feeling the burn. Over the course of a weekend I went from feeling giddy to grumpy. Mr. Eligible Bachelor went from dreamy to devilish faster than you can say Happy New Year. And the “happy” was most definitely missing from my Happy New Year. Could the cliché that she was younger and blonder really be any more annoying?

So this grumpy chik got herself a subscription to Netflix, is going to have the cleanest apartment in the city, put her new KitchenAid mixer to good use and tonight I might start working on the Keep Out sign for my front door.