Taking tests can be hazardous to your mental health...

As I've said, I've got some time on my hands. Even if you don't...

TAKE THIS ONLINE QUIZ RIGHT NOW!

Apparently I am The Sonnet

The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?
Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.
Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.
You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The False Messiah (DBLM), The Hornivore (RBSM), The Last Man on Earth (RBSD)
CONSIDER: The Loverboy (RGLM)

Funny. Everyone I am to avoid at all costs... yup, pretty sure I've tried dating all of you lately. I have a particular habit of falling for The False Messiah. The always just seem so great at first. oh I get it. Too good to be true. Uh-huh.

From now on I am going to use this as a screening process for all potential dates. Weird?

Oh is that a ring your wearing... no you can't have my number

Dear Married Men/Guys With Girlfriends/Fiances or anyone in your life who assumes you are dating them -

Please take notice...

Do not hit on me, flirt, attempt to get my number, give me yours or even look remotely interested in talking to me. If I wanted to meet an a$$ I can do that without hurting someone else too. There are plenty of single jerks lurking around without you taken guys stomping all over their territory.

Believe me, if you stop trying to pick up chik's everyone will appreciate it. Probably your wife/girlfriend/fiance most of all.

You are ruining things for a) me and my single girlfriends who are trying to as hard as we can to not think horrible things about the male race b) your younger and more eligible counterparts who genuinely CAN talk to me in a bar but are scared off by your sleazy butt.

Thanks bunches!

xoxo,
That single girl in the bar you spent all of last Friday night talking to about your wife and 4 kids and then had the audacity to come on to.

p.s. Thanks for picking up our dinner tab! We actually didn't go home "because we are so tired." Really we went to a bar only a few blocks away to escape you and your little sidekick ; )

The Science Of Dating

The only C I’ve ever received was as a senior in college, taking a basic level, but mandatory physics class I put off as long as possible. I try to blame it on the fact that I had mono and the class was at 8am. But who am I kidding… I really just hate science.

I don’t care so much how stuff happens, as long as it keeps happening and I don’t fall off the Earth and slip into orbit (I am deathly afraid of outer space and aliens).

That said… I have managed to retain a few bits of knowledge from my old mandatory science days:

- Mitochondria are the powerhouse of all cells
- Evaporation is a cooling process
- Once matter exists it never goes away

While items one and two aren’t so helpful on a deeper level (or even a daily basis, unless you walk around wet all the time) Item three has been the inspiration for a theory I’m always preaching to my girls…

Ex’s Cannot Be Friends

Although science is not my thing, dating is (not necessarily my best thing, but a big part of my life nonetheless). And a great deal of dating mystery is based on a complex scientific concept… chemistry.

Everything about two people could be a great match on paper, but if there is no chemistry, there is no point. I’ve tried to understand why I have chemistry with one person and not another and there is no explanation. When it’s there, it’s there and when it’s not… well then I end up on dates with guys who wear jorts or reference obscure 80’s songs or who for no explainable reason just don’t give me the butterflies (look at me mixing chemistry with entomology) even though they are cute and smart and successful and actually into me (a rare scientific anomaly).

But when that chemistry is there… yowza! It’s there and I feel spark and sizzle and eventually hope to have some fireworks. The catch is, dating is fairly absolute. Either you marry the person and live happily ever after or you break up. It’s harsh but true. Even though there are fireworks and sparks, most often that will fizzle and you’ve got a pile of ashes to clean up (or keep in the ex-boyfriend memorabilia box).

This idea of chemistry and matter got me thinking and begged the question… if chemistry is something that exists between two people that makes it matter (in the scientific sense) right? So what happens when the sparks stop? Once that matter matters, does it ever go away, even if he does?

Ladies and gentleman the answer is no. Matter never ceases to exist and that includes the chemistry you once had with an ex. Even if it’s not apparent now, it was there once and that NEVER GOES AWAY. This is science we are talking about here people. And science doesn’t lie (unlike the cheating bastard who broke your heart).

Stop trying to be friends with your ex. You are fighting science if you try. Even though you think it’s an innocent coffee date and that there are no feelings anymore… YOU ARE WRONG. They aren’t on the surface, but they are still floating around the universe. You broke up for a reason (if you don’t believe me then read It’s Called A Break-Up Because It’s Broken and they will convince you) so there is no need to go around trying to crash those atoms together again. The only thing you are going to get from all that atom crashing is a big messy explosion. And that is a lot worse mess to clean up than a regulated fireworks show.

And that my friends is your science lesson for the day. I hope you took good notes.

Class dismissed.

p.s. Now that we all know science plays such a large part in dating… fireworks, sparks, butterflies, chemistry, etc… I think this explains why I’ve been failing lately.

Think Before You Shrink

Ladies - A word of advice I firmly stand-by and share with my nearest and dearest girls...

Think before you wear tights on a date.

I am ALL for wearing skirts on dates. They are fun, flirty, feminine and usually quite comfortable.

I am also all about tights, for several reasons really:

- They suck us in and smooth us out
- They keep legs warm in the winter
- They are another great accessory we get to play with

However, if there is any chance you will be ending the evening with something more than a vertical kiss... think long and hard about what that could lead to.

Tights might look pretty darn cute under a skirt but I don't know many people that look good in tights alone (Lindsey Lohan... if you are reading this that goes for you too!!) Most girls know the smoothing is an illusion. A displacement of pudge. Tights (and Spanxx for that matter) are miracle makers not magic. Nothing actually disappears.

See where I'm going with this....

Skirt comes off and the extra few cookies you ate at the holiday party are not so cleverly hidden. They are now hanging out just between your bra and the band of your tights. Which, if you're petite like me, are most likely jacked up high enough to be not only unflattering, but also reminiscent of the way your first grade teacher wore her pants.

So now you've lured your hot date home, enticed him enough to create "interest" and now you look like the woman who taught him to read and wash his hands after using the bathroom. I'm pretty sure you'll be kissing him goodbye instead of good morning.