Prince Not-So Charming

So who decided that Prince Charming was the gold standard of all princes? Did this person ever actually try to date? I'm pretty convinced she didn't. Because if she spent anytime outside of whatever fairytale she was living in, I'm sure she would realize Prince Charming a) is damn hard to find b) is charming for a reason.

In my experience charming means one thing...

He's had time to hone his charming skills and it wasn't by spending time with old ladies at tea parties.

The most charming person I know is a guy I went to college with. He's smart, handsome, clever, flirty and could basically charm the pants off anyone. And I'm pretty sure plenty of pants have fallen as a result. Charm takes practice ladies. It is not the natural state of most men.

So Cinderella basically gave it up to a man-whore. Kind of ruins that Disney movie for me. Really, should little girls all over the world want to meet a guy who doesn't even have a name? Haven't they seen Dateline on Friday nights?! And honestly, what guy is that into shoes anyway?

Let's be realistic, we've all met Prince Confused, Prince Non-Committal and Prince Creepy. Those guys are running around all over the place. They pop-up everywhere. I've experienced all they have to offer and so have you. And no one I know has even gotten a pair of uncomfortable shoes out of it.

So why do we keep looking for our own Prince Charming, even though conventional wisdom would tell us to give up? The same reason we keep buying hair products and expensive face creams. We are convinced that one day we will find the one that actually works and makes us realize what we've been living without for all these years.

It may feel like an urban legend, but I have friends who have found it (hair products, face creams and the guy!). They give me hope. I make them tell me their own fairytale whenever I feel like mine is only a bad joke with a lame punchline. They don't let me give up. They remind me that their Prince Charming is actually Prince Makes Me Laugh and Breakfast in Bed or Prince Squishy In The Middle But Always Thoughtful.

He's out there somewhere. In my case he's probably holding a running shoe instead of a glass slipper.

The Texter Comes A Callin'

Okay first of all sorry for so much dead air-time. I suppose if this were radio station I would lose my sponsors. I have no sponsors (and apparently no fans - hello people leave me some comments so I know this isn't a secret journal that just happens to be online!) so I can continue with my story....

So imagine this - last fall, went to a local bar with a girlfriend for the World Series, met two "dudes," one almost started a fight protecting my friend from a creep who claimed he wanted to impregnate her (isn't this a romantic story?), dude number two claims he had been admiring me at the gym for months (side note - keeping your headphones on at the gym apparently does actually work to keep creepy guys from talking to you while you are sweating and trying to workout), he got my number and never really learned how to dial it.

You see friends - this is how I met "The Texter"

Our first date was fine, we went to a bar and watched football. He wanted to do shots which was slightly weird, but I was in my "I am not actually ready to date anyone, I simply want attention from the opposite sex phase" so it was okay with me.

Date number two was my turn to plan so we went to the art museum for a cultural event and then had dinner. He seemed to enjoy himself and I believe there was a brief smooch at the door (part of this phase was also the invention of my "vertical kissing only" rule - more on that later).

Sadly, somewhere after date number two and oh.... about 2 hours ago, "dude" turned into "The Texter" - a guy who was incapable of dialing a telephone and asking me out like a normal person.

"dinner 2morrow"
"what u doin"
"hi"
"u around"
"watchin idol"

I had to quickly learn how to decipher mixed signals, poor grammar and complete ignorance to punctuation. In person he flirted and was chatty, then over the phone he was like a 14 year old boy talking to his buddies.

For months our "relationship" continued in a bizarre back and forth texting only dialogue. The guy NEVER called me. I don't know about the rest of you but I have a hard time getting to know someone when they only way they communicate is in 3 letter words and acronyms. I am a fairly sensible gal and appreciate the beauty of the brief text message, but seriously guys... texting is LAZY! If you are that lazy when you are trying to woo me, I don't even want to know the extent of your laziness. It got to a point that I would blatantly refuse to go out with him if he didn't actually pick up the phone and ask me properly (needless to say we didn't go out very often).

So I moved away and continued receiving an occasional text over the next several months. I heard nothing all summer and then tonight. BAM! A text. "hello how have you been?" I think my man drought has been detected all the way in my home state.

We communicated in our normal texting pattern and suddenly the unexpected happens. My phone rings. He not only learned how to use punctuation this summer, but he also learned how to dial.

His first comment was that he "can't take this texting anymore" so he decided to actually call. Our conversation was pleasant, mature and the longest I'd ever spoken to him over the phone. We promised to stay in touch.

It was sweet, "The Texter" actually seems to have matured over the past year. He went from debatable to dateable. If anyone is interested I can give you his number. Send him a text he'll love it.

Miss-Match.com

If I'm going to blog that means I need dates. And since I am currently in the middle of a man drought I am resorting to desperate measures.

Match.com

They say third times the charm right?

I've just reviewed the possibilities and If I'm going to do this I realize I need to establish some criteria:

- No tank tops – I don’t want to see your armpits before I’ve met you in person
- I don’t care how your friends would describe you – I’m sure Charles Mansons friends thought he was a real cool guy too
- If you have professional pictures posted I’m pretty sure you aren’t interested in the ladies
- Okay duh… who doesn’t like “exploring all Chicago has to offer” – Isn’t that inherently why we all live here? If I wasn’t into it I would move to Boise
- Pictures of you and a million chicks does not make me feel like you are anymore attractive or in tune with the ladies. I think it's safe to assume you've slept with at least one of the chicks in the picture
- DO NOT MENTION YOUR RECENT BREAK-UP – Hello emotionally unstable. I don't need to pay $30 a month to find you. I'm just fine doing that on my own thanks. Seriously.

So friends - How would you describe me? ; )

Football and baking season is here!

I know fall is near because yesterday I saw the much loved (by me) and very tasty maple scones at Starbucks. However, I realize they are not so great for maintaining a skinny jeans and clingy knits kinda look. So last night I took part in two of my favorite activities... baking and football watching! I found a recipe and tweaked it a little to add in oats (hello heart healthy) and a few of my favorite secret ingredients. These were very tasty right out of the oven.

Low-Fat Cinnamon Oatmeal Scones

1/2 cup non-fat vanilla yogurt
1/2 cup non-fat sour cream
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp lemon juice
2 cups flour
3/4 cup rolled oats
1/4 cup + 3 tbsp granulated sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tbsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt
3-4 Tbsp chilled low fat margarine
1 tbsp brown sugar to top
If you can... A sprinkle of Vanilla Sugar from The Spice House(North and Wells)
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Whisk together the yogurt, sour cream, lemon juice and vanilla. Set aside.
Prepare baking sheet by spraying lightly with vegetable oil.

In a large bowl:Combine the flour, oats, sugar, baking powder, soda, cinnamon and salt.
Cut in the margarine until the mixture resembles course meal.
Cut and fold the yogurt/sour cream mixture into the flour until you can collect the dough.
Knead the dough on a lightly floured surface just until it can be shaped. DO NOT OVERWORK THE DOUGH, the scones will be tough.

Place the dough on the baking sheet.Pat the dough into an 8" - 10" long "log." Dust the top of the dough with 1 tbsp sugar, 1tbsp brown sugar (for those in Chicago a sprinkle of Vanilla Sugar from The Spice House is delish). Cut "to," not "through" the dough to mark 8 wedges. Bake the scones 20 minutes at 400 Deg.

You can add fillers (raisins, chips, etc.) or press nuts (almonds, pecans, etc.) onto the top before baking.

Keep Your Banana To Yourself

I'm done and apparently so is the banana bread across the street.

Don't get me wrong, I am all about the baking (hello yummy low fat cinnamon oatmeal scones I made last night - recipe to come later). But seriously, if you have a girlfriend, I'm not interested in your tasty sweets before bed or first thing in the morning. So stop trying to tempt me with them.

I'm also not interested in your girlfriends leftovers - that means you and the extra batter she has no use for.

I can see where this is going. I'm going to end up bruised. And we all know no one likes a bruised banana.

You are already part of a bunch so keep your banana to yourself please.

An idea was hatched...

You asked and after much hype I've finally answered...

Welcome to my first official blog post! I guess enough of you have laughed at (and been bewildered) my stories that I've finally decided they are worth sharing on a more regular basis. A book it's not, but I remain hopeful Jennifer Aniston (my celebrity soul sister) will find this and decide to play me in a movie.

So this whole "you've got to start a blog" thing got me thinking about how someone (me) so seemingly normal (boring) could collect such a steady stream of ridiculous stories? I don't sleep around, I don't get drunk and dance on bars, I have very normal friends, I have always had a steady job and I typically don't even aproach men! Yet, time after time I am starting a story with the words "I can't believe it" or "I don't understand" and my new personal favorite "You've got to be kidding me." Friends and coworkers have even started encouraging me to stop trying to meet anyone on my own because I'm pretty much just doomed.

I'm convinced it is a phenomenon that has resulted in what I have dubbed the "trifecta of exposure"

1. I have a "real" dog (Rudi) - Us "city dog" folk spend a lot of time outside - walking, runnning, playing, dog parking, etc... I've realized this puts me in the path of a motley array of people on a fairly regular basis. Dog people are often thought of as friendly, constantly inviting interaction with random people I wouldn't meet if I was inside knitting and petting a cat named Iris (I don't have one but as a friend said - I'm one bad date away from a buying a litter of cats).

This daily routine clearly must play a part in the phenomenon.

2. My job does not keep me trapped behind a desk - Granted I am sitting at my desk as I type this (don't worry, I plan on making up for lost time on the couch at home tonight!). However, I travel on a very regular basis and always have since I entered the workforce. I spend as much time at airports as I do at my local Dominick's. Travelling exposes me not only to germs, but also other travellers and strange characters (oops... I mean strangers). Obviously, exciting and terrifying all wrapped into one scenario.

Hello stranger danger.

3. I have a friendly/familiar face - I can't really explain what an unfriendly or unfamiliar face looks like, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't include dimples and freckles. Somehow this combination makes me look both 12 and friendly all at the same time. I actually think the looking like I'm 12 thing leads to the friendly thing... but you know what I mean. I guess the familiar comes from a mid-western look I was once told was "plain" (on a plane of course - consider that example A of weirdos on planes.)

I've always been scolded for being too friendly in general so the face doesn't help.

So there you have it. A nice, open minded girl with a dating life I like to refer to as a "Dramady" - drama, tragedy and comedy all in on.

Hold on tight and be thankful for your view from afar.